next

by the throat, you know, that oldest cliché. 

it's the safe one this time not the vampire. 

it's just all of them. there's two, too many

time ticks off the hours on my watch

i'm standing on a water tower bent over the railing pushing the acid around in my belly thinking of the fall. the end would be fine. but what about the fall?

why am i writing such drivel and crap? 

because there's too much, you know that. 

i've started the driving anxiety dreams again. haven't even gotten the car yet. 

that respite, six-month clear sleep,

gone gone gone gone. i'm flipping the car the car is orange the wrong color, it's manual and i can't drive. it is the same make and model and it does not run the same. 

paresis of the mind. 

i cannot even talk to my friends. i should be, i can't, i feel tears, there's tears, 

the intertwined convergence-monster is toxic, it seeps into my blood. 

black and sticky. oil. oozes out through my fingerprints so i am silenced. i can't have words. sticky phone.

there is the safe one and the vampire and they are separate but they are the same. the girl with no ears knows this. i have yet to learn. it sucks out my breath because she is not the safe one the way i thought. a renaming is in order. girl with no ears, help me. what is the not-safe's name? there is no name without understanding. without understanding there is no defense. 

paresis of the chest. the diaphragm stops. it is susceptible to shock, and thoracic-diaphragmatic breathing triggers tears. no wonder i have never breathed. 

i did not fall asleep as a child terrified i would just stop breathing if i wasn't controlling it. stare at quilt on my wall, inhale, exhale, trial of not-controlling. confirmed. an autonomic function too exhausted to keep on. vigilance. i must not sleep to stay alive. 

i'm thinking i do not think i was wrong. 

i'm terrified of this drive. i will delete this part because it is shit but the convergence monster for two hours and two hours of the not-quite-safe one without identification of where the unsafety lies. i will be too tired to sort it out. 

i'm not sure of the question now.