event horizon

this hunger. it's unrelenting. i've eaten too much i've gotten too fat there's no chocolate no cookies left. 

my stomach will burst with it. i will not throw up. 

i hope you see how this isn't like before. 

is it?

i don't know why. i don't know why.

i could swallow universes. 

such stars, aging and dying inside me!
stomach the size of a fist, they say. not so. 

bursting open my belly. giant supernovas, waiting to die. guts spill out down my dress, i try to catch them, slippery heavy things, colors of the cosmos.
red for hydrogen.
red for blood.
nothing where the dark matter lies.

exemplary explosions of suns make neutron stars. all gravity. pulling myself into myself, black hole, all my light. i can't see any more. 

that stench of all that useless food staining my dress. scrambling on my knees to put myself back together, slipping in the blood, in the black, the dark.

je ne peux pas traduire mon cerveau

something small wants to be written about how the snow sparkles in front of my feet falling under the streetlights at whatever dark o'clock it is currently, but my brain is so tired. 

maybe i'm trying too hard. 

mightn't i ought to make a cup of tea and have done with it? watch the snow fall from under the duvet?

i'm just a little lost, is all. 

nothing a little je ne sais pas can't fix. 

that's the problem, though, isn't it? je ne peux pas réparer ce que je ne sais pas.
i can't fix what i don't know. 

donc je ne suis rien. 

beyond the pale

pardon me, 
i'm distracted by that fat corpse you walk in.

i've dreamt again 
of bodies, dead.
the land of no-sun.
the land of dream-dead. 
the smell is the same, you know,
and my slippery hands
o my hands i can't grab on

o fat little leech are you
shall we invite your friends, now you're here? start a party? 
rewire the neural networks, fireworks,
dependence again, feed you?

you didn't even plan it. you don't know what you do,
you psychopath you narcissist you lurching dead i see through you 

we'll play hide and seek
you'll hide behind your religion, your god who planned it all,
you'll hide behind me, how i do, meant to be, best place for you
suck and seek 
until that black body's too fat to fit inside my skull
but you are dead, you don't know, you keep on,
keep on
implode my skull
infect me. as you never meant to do. 

i'm sorry, i don't mean that nicely. you gave up your eyes long ago. 

me, i'll hide in the laundry basket, as i always do
don't come find me, won't you?


oh, right. you don't need to. 

how many times, you?

i have lost the mixing spoon,

the one for the tea

the tea i drink to stay on top of you,

blood-red parasitic umbilical worm

keep trying to claw your way

up to me in my own womb 

no you shan't have a key! i forbid it. 

but we'll ignore that for now. the corpse brings me apples. 

the string to stitch my mouth shut is made of paper.

demure, i'm sure

the no-sun land is right for me

sure it is, 

worm of round mouth and so, so many teeth

your black body thin, aching thin all these years

you ululate for you

well, conqueror, Caesar, Henry the Eighth

take and take and get fat on your throne

you can suck and 

you can suck

you can rape and pillage,

now i'm here

you're welcome, daddy

shall i call you that still? 

nothing but a hostage. 

you wish by you

you think by you

you think the stars aligned, your God came through

 you wish it was by you.