hungry eyes

i hear the old songs and someone is strangling my heart, muscle and blood pumping and panicked rattled breaths and i stumble over the dogs because i cannot think, do not see. rip the headphones out. too much comfort in those melodies, too much closeness. i lie and say i'm stronger without. convince myself. sticks and stones. 

an old photo today of someone's hand on my thigh, tattered edges. i stopped breathing long ago. i asked for it for kindness because someone else's wasn't. i can't forget. 

my hands are cold my feet are cold paralysis grips my heart and i saw in the mirror today at ballet the dead dead eyes and i don't want this i just don't know what to do with all of it, i don't want this reality but it's mine, it is mine