derealized

nothing is real except the ice on my neck and the coldness running down my back and ice on my temples and i am trying to make the cars around me real so i do not hit them. and when the rain comes i crank down the window on the freeway and let the rain splash my face, who cares how dirty, i just want to feel present and not gone gone gone like all day like those conversations i've forgotten like how i wasn't myself

and she said maybe this friendship is triggering as well as helpful
and i heard everything you confided today was a lie because you want to be like her
and i said nothing back 
and i am angry but i cannot feel it because nothing feels real anyhow

i'm sliding back and forth, the present's a haze most of the day



and i didn't do the thing which would make me feel better because i am afraid to drive and now i am afraid to talk to you because you've invalidated me in my head or maybe in real life

but i don't remember what happened for parts of today and i'm scared, i'm so scared and you've taken my friendship away and i don't trust you there's no one to talk to