fury

a pregnant

impregnable

need desperation

fury to write

a baby announces itself with its mother's first words, a need to push

inescapable biological physical sensation of the body

a sheen of sweat

that bittersweet bite of an orange

bits of tv shows in the periphery as i scratch

the dog who rolls into my clenching fingers

there is no baby

phantom pregnancy psychogenic headaches

prednisone torodol reglan triptans

more and more and more

and, i need to push

i need to not feel

psychogenic

psychosomatic

psycho, psycho, psycho

even the cat stares me down. his eyes were yellow once. now they singe.

fury a fury

sweaty sheen

there's nothing to write i'm nothing good 

prednisone, is it you who infect my mind?

should we take out those pills

and the white pills

and the white and blue capsules

and the blue triangles

and the smooth white ones, two sizes

so cute, the little one

and the round blue ones, or green, depending

and the yellow capsules rule my day, where are the hours? three times a day. tick tick tick. 

what if we take them all away?

what if the blood orange drips red on my white dress

and under my fingernails?

push, push

keep pushing, phantom, bloody fetus ghost,

welcome to this family, small corpse, little nothing

don't bother that you have no belly button, you'll be safe!

there will be no blood from you!

welcome, do, do come in

while i write nonsensical words

on the typewriter

clack slack tick tock pills time for the pills

with my slick sweat sheen and the blood on my fingers

and your face, your face in my throat pushing out