tell me again about unconditional love

my brain goes off half-cocked and freezes there. i learn things every day and all they do is clog my synapses. i see white everywhere i go, black static at the edges, the swoop of motion, the rattle of keys. i'm trapped in this room because i cannot face the outside world.


you've always been a country girl, she says, maybe your anxieties are from that city. but then: until you find God again you'll be out of kilter, so i'm not taking anything too seriously. i give her back one of her awkward silences, a debt it'll take more than my lifetime to repay. 

i'm about to be caught in my lies, the biggest ones. waiting on the cusp, it's sunday, no mail, no phone calls, just waiting. cigarettes taste like ash in my mouth, hot and dry. thank you now you've ruined this too. 


truth is, i'll never be you