more and more i fear the night, the darkness, the darkness in the night. it creeps in at my seams and latches on to the darkness in my head. i become a trembling mess of tears and shakes and cigarettes smoked under streetlights, greedy for illumination. i need to see the world to know it's still there as it was. that there are no monsters under the bed.
i am afraid of spaces in the dark and darkness in spaces and whether, in the dark, my feet will remain bound to the earth or if i'll go flying off. sometimes i'm afraid i won't.
i wake before dawn in coils of sweat and fear and last remnants of too many dreams and still there is not sun yet, still this endless clutching dark. this morning i napped at 6h45 until 8, woke in fear that the warm light splashed across my lap was not real, was fading into night again. let the alarm go off for an hour before i could grasp hold of the day.
there's safety in sunlight and oranges and cereal and i am afraid of dying in every myriad way. i am afraid of the years of my life i had apparently specifically not thought about until yesterday. i am afraid of what might be buried there, what i have done. but there is that oedipus thing, that insatiable human curiosity to know, and i am just as afraid to not find out. maybe there's nothing there. maybe that's the Nothing i'm afraid of.
6 comments:
I must be in tune with the world today because I keep having thought-coincidences with certain people, you being one of them.
I know the feeling of terror in not knowing whether you are a product of your environment, or just a product in of yourself. Most of my childhood memories are lost, and there is a large part of me that hopes they will stay that way, buried in oblivion. But another part wonders if maybe getting them back (even if they are everything I dread), I will regain those parts of myself that have been splintered by trauma. This gives me some hope in the face of my fear.
I just wanted to say that you are not alone in this feeling. And that most of us are bruised and scarred, some are just able to keep that damage closer to themselves. Be well.
Apparently the human memory starts to become clearer at age 11 - not a lie, something I learnt in French Lit Autobiography. I cannot remember 8-11 at all. I was apparently horrible to a girl who I don't really know. This terrifies me.
How is the scar?
The night has its own lights in the stars. When you are scared, look up at them, they will comfort you. They will twinkle like glitter and life will sparkle.
Today I looked at a flower. The petals came apart and floated up towards the sky. I looked back at it a moment later, the petals were all there.
Sometimes I wonder if life is a dream and at any moment, when I am sipping a diet coke, the real me will wake up in Africa, in a mud hut, and this language I have spoken is nothing at all. England wont exist. It will be an island dreamt up. I will have only slept a night and my life as I know it will evaporate and be forgotten within hours.
I don't know why I told you that. But I am glad I did, however random.
Anise, in my life that I lead that I am unaware of, you might be my sister. That is why you were magiced into my path. I am so lucky to have met you. You make my dark less terrifying.
Love x
forgive me for the content of what's coming, but it's all i can really say. you're the most astonishing human being to ever walk the earth (i just made you sound like a T-Rex out of walking with dinorsaurs (in the most complimentary way possible)) so without further ado!
FUCK YEAH BABY!
your writing is addictive
oh... now i feel bad because everyone else is all deep and dark and lyrical. i don't want to be deep and dark and lyrical this early in the morning because that means that the monsters in my brain come out to play.
I'M JUST SO DUCKING PUCKING HAPPY YOU'RE BACK BECAUSE THOSE TWO DAYS SANS VOUS, WELL SHEESH, THEY WERE BACK-BREAKERS!
and ps. any one tiny part of you is worth RIDICULOUSLY LAVISH amounts! but nobody wants one because they know what they'd be taking away from the AMAZING denominator that is you.
^^
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